Hoping for something

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JOURNAL :: MAY 12, 2015

Sunday morning writers’ group. Giving it a try. Hopefully I’ll meet other writers that I could hang out with. Not seeing any strong contenders yet…

Occasionally things work out, but that's no reason to draw any conclusions.

I'm tipping back in my chair. I wonder if it's making anyone tense (any school teachers here?). How many times in my life was I asked to please not do that?

How many times a year does a high school teacher have to say "Please don't tip the chair back", and at what point does the existential crisis kick in?

Writing as work. A poet staring out the window, hoping for something.

If nothing else was gained from this, I now know how each of the five people in this room clear their throats.

Unavoidable realization

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JOURNAL :: MARCH 26, 2017

Watched the movie Jackie last night. Pretty heavy. Disorienting. Intentionally so. This morning I woke up with a headache and a tense jaw, thinking about the scene with the priest. He said something that surprised me about the search for meaning in life: when we come to the realization that there are no answers, we can either kill ourselves (that's the part that surprised me - that a priest would say that), or we just go on. There was something else he said after that that I missed, so I rewatched the scene:

"There comes a time in man's search for meaning when one realizes that there are no answers. And when you come to that horrible, unavoidable realization, you accept it or you kill yourself. Or you simply stop searching... I have lived a blessed life. And yet every night, when I climb into bed, turn off the lights, and stare in to the dark, I wonder... Is this all there is?"

 As I wrote down that dialogue I was aware that I am searching, even while watching a movie, for answers. Answers that don’t exist.