You're puttin' me to sleep

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SCRAPS OF PAPER IN MY POCKETS

Bacon is the heroin of meat.

People who start talking louder when they don’t know what they’re talking about.

I was at the gym this morning, on the benchpress, and this big muscle dude came over and woke me up.

Never house-sit in October: no matter how much you water, everything is going to die, and you'll be blamed for it.

How lost is it OK to be? For how long?
- don't know

I used to have a sexual partner. Then we got married.

I performed at a Senior Center once, playing jazz standards. In the middle of "Autumn Leaves" a 90 year-old woman yelled: "You're puttin' me to sleep!"